The Yaoi Sex Rules
by flannelninja
Summary: A collection of M-Rated One-Shots. Featuring: Style, Kyman, Creek, Poly, and Dip. Each story is longer and dirtier than the last. Purpose: To educate the yaoi lovers of the universe.
1. The One with the Serious Themes

**Collection: **The Yaoi Sex Rules

**Author: **flannelninja

**Purpose: **Once upon a time, there was a ninja of flannel that liked slash. Especially uber yummy smexy slash. However, the flannel ninja grew sad on discovering not many people knew the Yaoi Sex Rules. She was determined to make sure everyone became aware… by making creating a series of one-shots based on said Yaoi Sex Rules.

**Pairings: ****Style**, Kyman, Creek, Poly, Dip

**A/N: **Thank you for clicking. This is meant to be a humorous endeavor, not to be flamed or really taken seriously. However, I hope that it helps to inform the fandom. Each chapter will get smuttier and longer... so this story is relatively tame and short. Reviewers get the flannelninja medal of honor, and get to be my next bestest friends.

**The One with the Serious Themes**

**RULE #1-**A cock should be no longer than eight inches. After that, it's weird looking. Never say something ridiculous like "his eleven inch lovestick."

Stan and Kyle: just two boys rooming together in college, nothing strange about it. Sure, they called each other "Super best friend," and that did seem a little gay… and sure they knew each other better than anyone in the world. But that didn't mean anything. They were just really great friends. And really great friends do some not really great things, right? Like, hypothetically speaking, sabotaging the only relationship where he or she hadn't thrown up in the other person's mouth at least once. Like, hypothetically speaking, convincing her Stan—forgive me, he or she,-had had sex with a man back in high school, making him a fag and their entire relationship a lie.

Yeah. Really great friends did that all the time. And super best friends… well, they did that even more.

O-o-O-o-O

Kyle watched the clock nervously whilst he sat on his small cot. Soon, Stan would be back from his date with Melody. He would be pissed… or maybe just sad and hurt, and then Kyle would slowly ease away his troubles and—No! What kind of vindictive bitch was Kyle turning into? First, lying to Melody like that, and now he was trying to steal him away? What… what was happening to our sweet but temperamental Jewish boy?

Stan was so much taller than him… so much bigger. What if Melody said too much! What if she told Stan who had told him the lie? So many things could go wrong tonight. He hadn't been thinking when he told Melody that story… he hadn't been thinking straight, or properly, or at all! And now, he was going to deal with the consequences.

Kyle heard a key jamming its way into the door. Shit, It must have been Stan. He opened the door (with what sounded like the longest creak of all time) and staggered inside. The brunette looked drunk off his mind. He must have gotten drunk after—

Stan lunged at Kyle, grabbing him by the throat. "I know what you did, Kyle…" he slurred in a low and somehow sensual voice. "And you're gonna pay!"

"Stan, please!" Kyle knew Stan was a somewhat violent drunk, but he had never expected Stan to actually try and hurt him like this. And he had never expected what happened next.

Stan ground his lips into Kyle's, pressing his tongue against the boy's lips and requesting entrance. Kyle mumbled against the other boy's mouth, opening his mouth on slightly to mutter "This is wrong!"

Stan broke from their sloppy kiss. "Shut up, and take it…" He slurred.

Kyle's eyes shot open… did this mean what it thought he meant? He was finally going to get the college lay he had always dreamed of with his super best friend? This must have been a dream. Stan would regret this in the morning. He could picture it now… the two laying beside each other naked… Stan would ask what had happened, and Kyle… Kyle would have to tell him!

Stan pushed Kyle back so that the shocked and confused boy was lying down, and began to remove his extremely tight pants, and briefs. It took him a few moments to accomplish the task that really took more dexterity than he had in his drunken stupor. Stan gazed down at the redhead's slightly pert member.

Stan pulled off Kyle's shirt and began sucking and nibbling at the Jew's nipples. He could hear moans of pleasure and slight discomfort at the action. _Whore, _he thought to himself. How could Kyle have lied to his girlfriend like that? He obviously wasn't gay… if he was… would he be able to do _this?_ His trail of nibbles made its way down to Kyle's penis. His tongue groped and clung to the head of his now completely erect appendage. He moved his hand into the boy's hole. He was so tight… Kyle groaned, trying to stifle his embarrassing noises. He suddenly noticed another echo in the small room. He felt droplets on his thighs.

They were Stan's tears, and Stan's cries.

"Why would you do that to me?" Stan asked quietly, now sitting on the floor.

"Because…" Kyle said, his voice barely audibly. "I love you."

There was silence.

"I know." Stan responded, sighing. "I know…" His head tilted back… and he fell asleep.


	2. The One with the Costumes

**Collection: **The Yaoi Sex Rules

**Author: **flannelninja

**Purpose: **Once upon a time, there was a ninja of flannel that liked slash. Especially uber yummy smexy slash. However, the flannel ninja grew sad on discovering not many people knew the Yaoi Sex Rules. She was determined to make sure everyone became aware… by making creating a series of one-shots based on said Yaoi Sex Rules.

**Pairings: **Style, **Kyman**, Creek, Poly, Dip

**A/N: **This is where it starts getting good. XD

**The One with the Costumes**

**Rule #2: **One must be prepared in some way! There should always be lube! Spit, even a quick finger up his hole works! He would pass out in real life if there wasn't _some _sort of prepping!

Kyle sat in the bathroom, getting more and more nervous by the minute. The boy was clad in a maid's uniform… The last time he had worn one of these was when he had accidentally broken his boyfriend's game controller. Cartman had been so scary… acting as though Kyle had done it out of spite or something. He had ordered Kyle out of his house. When Kyle came back within the hour to apologize (as Cartman knew he would) he was wearing a large beige trench coat… and the skimpy outfit he was wearing now underneath. He had opened it up slowly to Cartman's widening eyes. Kyle was sure they were going to pop right out of their sockets. Cartman had picked him up bridal style, and ran him up the stairs to his bedroom. The Fatass sure could run when he wanted to. Kyle smiled at the memory.

Kyle's expression then turned sour. After that first glorious, passionate excursion, Cartman had started to expect him to wear the costume every single time they had sex. Kyle was starting to believe that his long-term beau liked his maid persona, "Madame Sex Kitten", better than he liked just plain old Kyle. When Kyle had told Kenny of his problem… Kenny had simply smiled knowingly, and told him that things like this had a funny way of resolving themselves. Stan had told him to break up with the bastard. Kyle didn't like that answer very much, and they were currently on a friendship time-out. But Stan did have a point. Could he stay in a relationship where the other party wanted him to be someone else all the time? What would happen with Cartman when he eventually wanted to go on dates with Kyle's maid persona? Or started buying her presents?

Kyle shuddered. He wouldn't be in some weird poly-amorous relationship with someone who didn't even exist. He regretted playing Madame Sex Kitten up in the beginning. He really built up her character. And truth be told, he had liked the freedom of being someone else for a while. The look suited him. He was able to put his hair down, and take control of the sex. He had even topped Cartman once or twice. But the fun had been replaced with this fear. Why did Cartman like him dressing up so much?

There was a knock on the bathroom door. "Oh Madame Sex Kitteh," came Cartman's growl. "Come out and play," he sang. Kyle could hear the lust in the larger boy's voice. He wished that he could hear Cartman say _his_ name with all that manly enthusiasm. Kyle sighed, and lifted himself off the toilet. He quickly brushed his red curly hair out of his face. He wondered if he should put on some make-up, before deciding that was a little much.

He opened the door and was completely surprised at the figure he saw standing in the doorway.

"My name," Eric smirked, "Is Officer Cartman. And I don't appreciate your kind on my turf…" Kyle's doubts were blown away by this gesture. Cartman didn't love Madame Sex Kitten more than he loved Kyle… he just liked playing pretend! Kyle smiled. He should have known after the whole Coon phase. And he had to admit, Officer Cartman looked pretty nice in uniform.

"Oh? And vat are ju going to do about eet?" Madame asked.

"I guess I'm going to have to take you down to the station." He shrugged, looking around on his belt. Kyle cocked an eyebrow when Cartman brought out a pair of hand cuffs. Cartman picked Kyle up, and placed him on the bed gently, before attaching one cuff to his wrist and the other to the bed post.

"No! Ju can't do theez!" Madame cried, thrashing around on the bed (but doing so in a very, very, sexy manner which allowed Cartman to see _almost_ up her skirt.)

"Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to respect mah authoritah." He winked, and crawled unto the bed. He pecked her lightly on the cheek, causing her to blush violently.

"Oh, monsieur…" She said quietly… Cartman pressed his lips against the nape of her neck, causing her to moan in pleasure. At this point, Cartman straddled the maid, and was directly over top of her. He was fully in control and that was just the way he liked it.

He slowly but surely massaged the inside of Kyle's thighs, a trick Kenny had told him about when they were in Elementary school. At the time, he hadn't understood why anyone would like it… but now, seeing his boyfriend squirm beneath him, it made a little more sense. Cartman moved his hand up the maid's skirt and was pleasantly surprised to find she wasn't wearing any underwear.

"Kinky Jew…" he muttered, and moved his mouth down to lick his length. He moved his tongue up and down the boy's penis, paying special attention to the head, before he took the entire member into his mouth, stopping just before the boy screamed out that he was ready to cum. "Bad Kitteh." He swatted at the boy's thigh, before grabbing the tube of lube from his pocket. "You're not coming without meh." Kyle turned over, and got unto his hands and knees. He knew the drill.

Cartman squeezed the lube out into the boy's exposed asshole. He prodded his index finger into his pink hole, twirling it around before sticking in another finger. He was quick to find the boy's sweet spot, although he could remember a time when it had taken him nearly long enough to give up. Kyle cried out in pleasure, looking back expectantly at the boy.

"Beg," Officer Cartman commanded, and the boy groaned. He wanted Eric inside him… but even more than that he wanted to cum.

"Please, monsieur," Kyle asked, exasperated.

Officer Cartman smiled, quickly taking preventative measures (he didn't want to get Jew germs after all) then taking out his fingers and shoving himself inside the boy. Cartman thrusted and pushed; he went faster and faster whilst his hand moved up and down Kyle's length. They breathed and moved as one entity. Kyle finally came, right before Cartman.

"I love you, Kahl."

"I respect your authority, Cartman."


	3. The One with Whipped Cream on Top

**Collection: **The Yaoi Sex Rules

**Author: **flannelninja

**Purpose: **Once upon a time, there was a ninja of flannel that liked slash. Especially uber yummy smexy slash. However, the flannel ninja grew sad on discovering not many people knew the Yaoi Sex Rules. She was determined to make sure everyone became aware… by making creating a series of one-shots based on said Yaoi Sex Rules.

**Pairings: **Style, Kyman, **Creek**, Poly (To be announced/Tell me your favorite!), Dip

**A/N: **Heh Heh… I'm glad you all liked the last one! I got more reviews that I thought I would! Thanks to all you dirty birdies who're reading this. I can say one thing about this endeavor… it's really taught me something about myself XD Mostly, that I suck at writing long one-shots.

**Dedicated to: **My buddy, Rumanya 3

**The One with Whipped Cream on Top**

**Rule #3-** A uke cannot actually come just with the ass-pleasing alone. That is a myth and a lie. If you've ever been told that, burn the manga/person. They need some penis-pleasing. Usually a hand-job/jerking off while their partner is inside them is common.

Craig had never been more confused in his life. This BDSM stuff was harder than it looked. First he had to wear this silly costume that made him look like The Friggin' Leather Ass Pirate. Then, he had to learn a bunch of safe words that his boyfriend had apparently learned on the internet, which made him wonder… how much porn had he been watching? Had their vanilla sex really been so unsatisfying? He couldn't imagine hitting his sweet, paranoid little blonde; much less him actually liking it. He considered himself plain and ordinary and lazy… not some master of torture or super sadist. Wasn't that like… Eric Cartman's job? He suddenly pictured Tweek being sexually pleasured by the Fatass. That wouldn't do at all.

Until Tweek and Craig had the "I like the sex but…" talk, Craig had thought everything was going swimmingly. He thought Tweek was happy living with him. There were no "buts" in happiness, or at least Craig didn't think so. But Tweek would be in for the surprise of his life; because the dull and monotone Craig would do anything for him… to make him happy… and to keep them together; even change.

O-o-O-o-O

Craig smiled wordlessly at his boyfriend. The evening had been perfect. Tweek had made spaghetti and meat balls, Craig's favorite. They talked for hours about their old friends and childhood home. It was dreadfully romantic. It was something Craig hated to see in movies, but when it was him and Tweek instead of a cheesy rom-com couple, it just felt right; like there was nothing wrong with the world. Of course, there was something wrong with Craig's world at the moment. He had the costume on under his clothes, and it was uncomfortable as hell.

Finally, the meal was finished. Craig watched as Tweek retreated to the bedroom, giving him a sexy come-hither look from the crack in the doorway. His finger curled towards him. Craig sighed. He was beginning to second guess himself. He walked slowly into the room. Tweek was already in bed, twitching slightly as always. Craig took a deep breath, and began to remove his clothes slowly. Tweek watched, eyes wide, as Craig revealed a leather vest and red crotch-less panties. His heart began to pound… and he avoided his boyfriend's gaze determinedly. "Oh… Craigy…" Tweek whispered.

Craig turned his back and began to rummage through the dresser. "I know you're probably expecting whips and stuff… but… for now… this is all I'm ready for." Craig pulled out a bottle of whipped cream. Tweek licked his lips. "Take off your clothes." Craig's confidence grew as he noticed Tweek's obvious arousal. "Now."

Tweek did as he was told, quickly stripping for his "Master." Craig slowly but surely stepped closer to the naked blonde. Craig turned his gaze at the ceiling doing the most embarrassing thing he had done in his entire life: Spraying whipped cream on his genitals. "Suck…" he commanded vaguely. Tweek eagerly scooted to the end of the bed, and began to lap up the whipped cream excitedly and expertly. Craig couldn't help feeling irrational jealousy. There must be some reason he was so good at this.

His thoughts were interrupted by pure unadulterated pleasure as Tweek began to gag himself on his penis. His head bobbed backwards and forwards… and Craig suddenly felt very guilty. It couldn't be very comfortable choking on his member. It just felt so damn good. And Tweek was already completely aroused by the looks of it. Suddenly he pushed Tweek off him and laid him down on the bed. "This might… feel a little weird…" he said quietly. But it was all according to his plan. He spread open the blonde's cheeks, and sprayed the whipped cream around his hole. He took a deep breath, and began to lick up all of the cream. Tweek moaned and groaned with pleasure. He licked his hand and began to reach for his own member, rubbing it vigorously up and down. Craig, finished with the whipped cream and feeling slightly pleased with himself, saw this as his cue. He began to press his fingers inside the blonde, making him hiss with a mixture of pleasure and pain. Craig, feeling Tweek was well enough prepared, quickly dashed over to the dresser to find a condom, put it on, and inserted himself inside the blonde.

Craig began slowly. He thrusted and pounded into the boy, going faster and faster and harder and harder at Tweek's command. Finally, Tweek shouted out that he was ready to cum. He squirted unto the boy's chest. Craig came shortly after, falling down upon his lover.

"Okay, I don't blame you," Craig panted. "That was kind of hot."


End file.
